10.16.2003

one big rant that i finally decided to divide up for your reading pleasure

My life has been a ridiculous seesaw the past couple days. I guess I'm temperamental a lot (especially because my mood so immediately affects how I act), but seriously it's gotten so much worse. And now I'm kind of wishing that I was still on that seesaw because then there'd be ups AND downs... but there have been no ups for me lately and I'm really desperate for one right now. I'm getting really sad just sitting here with no real purpose... again, I'm lacking inspiration. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, but more importantly I don't know what I'm doing with my YEAR. Life can wait, since I have at least 4 more years of formal education to go, but I feel like my identity has completely been torn away from me so far this fall. I was so sure of myself, so reassured that life was good last year. Suddenly I'm having an almost identity crisis and I feel a constant need to behave a certain way to get along with people.

I know I shouldn't change myself (which I'm really not doing...) but there are just some things that you can and can't say around certain people. I guess this is my taste of not having close friends around me all the time. A lot of people go through this, I know, but last year I just got so comfortable. Now I'm feeling... lonely, almost. But I'm not really alone. I just don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm saying. The only structured thing in my life is SCHOOL, strangely enough. My classmates are now getting the whole Bettina's-so-smart impression that they didn't have earlier. I don't know if that's a good thing or not... I work hard at school but not at home. I'm totally neglecting actual HOME-work, and my room is an absolute mess. Which shouldn't be a problem, but it really irks me because I feel like I'm running out of time to do things when I'm really not.

Sure spending 3 hours a day on baseball this week probably wasn't that bright, but it's been eventful and though not so positive, very revealing. Baseball was structure to my life too, last week... it all fell apart this week, which not only pissed me off, totally threw me off balance. When I rooted for the Bulls I knew them so well that I knew what was coming-- I guess I need to wait around with the Cubs for a while... I realize I haven't watched for the past five years... I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore. But just to let you know, my life is being a bitch right now, so [seriously], don't do things to annoy me on purpose. Cuz that'll suck.
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